My Jacked Up Life

Lately, Gene and I have been laying down the law with the boys over their manners. Or lack there of is more like it. We’ve gone over all the rules about bathroom habits, burping, farting, table manners….you know….the usual stuff.  None of the boys are shy about doing or talking about those things in front of anyone at anytime.

You would think that this isn’t such a hard task. Well, it is when you have a 36 year old man that acts just as bad as the children.

Tonight, we went to the Advent program at AC’s school. Gene and I were sitting there with my parents,  the kids were up on stage singing and out of the corner of my eye I see Gene take his shirt and put it over his nose. This can’t be good. I lean over and ask……

Me: What in the hell are you doing? (Remember, we know all of the other parents we are sitting with but not well enough to rip ass in front of them.)

Gene: Pulls down his shirt…. You stink!

Me:  WHAT?  Did you fart? Please tell me you’re joking!!!!

Gene: He just keeps giggling like a 5 year old….. You stink!!!!….giggle….

Me: You jackass, stop it!!!

Gene: Well…if it wasn’t you, then it must have been your dad……giggle…..

My dad was sitting on the other side of Gene and leans over to say something to Gene.  Apparently, he could hear the whole conversation.

Dad: Boy…you don’t want to play this game with me. I’ll clear out this whole friggin’ gym and put you to shame. You don’t know who you’re messin’ with.

It’s nice to see that I’ve picked such wonderful role models for my children. Great.

(During the program, AC and his buddies were up on stage giggling. I found out later that it was because AC was up there ripping ass his self. Nice.)

This morning I was at AC’s hockey practice and I mentioned to another mom that if we hurried out of the locker room we could still catch 11:00 mass. The other mom about fell out of her chair when she realized that I go to church.  When I asked her what was the matter she replied that she would have never guessed that I had religion, much less Catholic religion.

What?

I believe in God. I don’t eat meat on Fridays during Lent, I observe all the Holy Days and I pray my rosary.  I realize that St. Patrick’s Day and St. Valentine’s Day are the feast days of two saints, not just days to get drunk and laid. (Although I don’t have anything against either of those things.)

Jokes about priests and alter boys are offensive to me. If you find humor in little boys being ass raped then you’re a sick bastard, you need to get off my blog and never darken my domain again.  We’re not the only religion with problems. It’s just that Catholics make better press than the Protestants or Lutherans. The Jews have the holocaust and the Mormons have the whole twenty wives with ninety kids thing going on. No thank you.

So, why is it so hard to believe that I practice a religion? I have very deep religious beliefs. Just because I don’t wave them around like a flag or use them to excuse my bad behavior doesn’t make them any less significant than any other feelings I have.

Amen and pass the communion wine, Sista!!!!

And all the other holidays for that matter.

For many years, in some cases centuries, how we celebrate and view holidays hasn’t varied much. Now all of a sudden, there’s a movement going on trying to tell me that I have to change the way I’ve celebrated these days my whole life.

F@#k THAT!!!!

In most schools now, when you volunteer to help at your childs halloween party you can’t bring in things that might be considered ‘too scary’. Nothing with witches, ghosts or skeletons. And in some places, your not even allowed to call it Halloween anymore. It’s the ‘Fall Festival’. WTF? 

 As a kid I would dread and look forward to this day all at the same time. I hated being scared out of my wits, but at the same time I wanted all that free candy and I knew that I would have to make it through this day to get it. Remember savoring sweet victory on November 1st as you sat there stuffing your face with all of your Halloween loot? I had made it through another Halloween.

 I’ll admit that I was a big chicken shit. People jumping out at you with scary masks and making you almost piss your pants. AAHHHH…..good times. To this day, if you walk up behind me and scare me, I will punch you in the face. Literally. Gene found this out the hard way. He doesn’t do that anymore. 

Nowadays, people are offended when you scare the crap out of their kids. It’s not like they’re going to break or something. We all made it through it as kids just fine. Just look at me.

Personally, I think a little childhood trauma helps build character. So, let’s stop coddling these kids and go scare the crap out of them. Why? Because it’s funny, that’s why!!!

Happy Halloween, Bitches!!!!

Do your boobs hang low

Do they swing to and fro

Can you tie them in a knot

Can you tie them in a bow

Happy birthday you old Bat!!!!

Love ya!!!!!

Lately, Gene and I have been kicking around names for the baby. Names are fascinating  to me. I always wonder why people choose the names that they do and curious as to the meaning behind them. Sometimes I’m amazed at the names that people pick for their kids.

Gweneth Paltrow named her daughter Apple. WTF? Apple? Where did she come up with that? When she’s older boys are going to ask her if they can have a bite. Nice.

Courtney Cox named  her daughter Coco. Do you want your daughter to be a stripper?

Demi Moore and Bruce Willis…..where do I start with this crap? Rumor, Scout and Talluelah. OH, MY GOD!!!!! That right there is proof positive that you should never hand the mom the birth certificate to fill out until the drugs wear off.

Gwen Stefani…I didn’t think that Kingston was all that bad, I would never use it, but Zuma? Are you shitting me? That kid is going to get his ass kicked at recess.

Personally, I like names that are weird but not overused. For a girl, we’ve picked ‘Presley’. I like using last names for a first name. Right now, we’re stuck on a middle name for that.

As for a boy we are totally lost. Nothing really appeals to me. We’ve come up with a few like Adrian, Gabriel, Donovan or Nash. I gotta tell ya….I just not feeling very boyish. Hopefully, that’s not just wishful thinking.