My Jacked Up Life

Today,  as I was opening my mail I realized something. It’s December 10th and I’ve only gotten four Christmas cards so far. When I first got married we would get at least 60/70 cards every year.  The last few years it’s slowly declined, but this year is different. Only four cards and it’s 15 day’s until Christmas. What the hell?

So, I got to thinking. Are Christmas cards a dying art? Are they falling victim to the high cost of stamps or e-cards? Maybe people are just to cheap or lazy to send them anymore. Maybe I made people mad because they didn’t see the humor in my past cards like I did. Who wouldn’t laugh at a reindeer farting? (Do you hear what I hear?) That’s very Christmasy. If you got the card with Santa crapping in your stocking because he ran out of coal…well…..that’s your fault if you were put on his naughty list, not mine.

Or did I just piss that many people off this year? With the new year fast approaching maybe now would be a good time to take inventory. Let’s take a quick look back at the year I had.

Let’s see……I doubt if I get a card from the people across the street after I threw trash on their porch. In my defense, I wasn’t trying to be an ass. It wasn’t my trash. It fell out of the car of their Beavis-wanna-be son. I thought he dropped it on accident and might be looking for it. I was just trying to be a good neighbor. Sheeesshh!

For that matter, I doubt if I get a card from the people that just moved from the house next door to me. They haven’t talked to me since I made that comment while they were having sex. Here in St. Louis, the houses in some areas are pretty close together. Their bedroom was in the front corner of the house, which means my living room is just ten feet away. Well….one afternoon they forgot to close the window. I’m sitting on my couch minding my own buisness when I hear bed springs squeeking and Nora calling for God. At first, I let it go because I would never begrudge any one getting some ass.  After a good 15 minutes, (if you’ve ever seen these two, you would know that it was more like an eternity……EWWWW) I finally yell out the window, ‘I don’t know what God is doing right now but I wish he would answer you so you would shut the hell up!’. All of a sudden it got very quite. Yeah….I won’t be looking for that card. They moved shortly thereafter.

Then there’s my uncle’s wife. Her son (from a previous marriage) is currently serving a very long prison sentence. I asked if he had been ‘poked in the can’ yet. She argued that her son was not gay and wouldn’t do that. It was then, I began to explain that ass rape is not always a choice in ‘the joint’ and that I was sure that her son would run out of cigarettes eventually. They don’t call it the ‘penal’ system for nothing. She didn’t appreciate my humor at all. Yep, gotta scratch that one off the list too.

Although Gene’s ex and I have been friend’s for 14 years……yeah, enough said about that. Definately scratching that one. (Really, the story of how Gene and I got together isn’t that scandelous. The divorce was final before he and I ever happened.)

(The paragraph that was originally here was taken out because Gene is still good friend’s with this chick’s husband. It was pointed out to me that what I wrote may cause a problem with that friendship.   I am only doing this for Gene’s sake.  I still think she’s a self-rightous bitch and I will never again consider her a friend. She burned that bridge. )

Now let’s see……that only adds up to five. Wonder what happened to the other fifty or so?

HEY!!! You know what this means!? It’s not me!!!! People ARE to cheap and lazy to send cards out. The internet IS driving the post office out of buisness!!

HA! And all this time I thought it was me. Guess not.