My Jacked Up Life

It’s that time of year again. Mammogram time. Great. Always fun.

For those of you who have never had one, let me share the experience of my first one with you. I’ll be having my second this Thursday.

First, you have to strip from the waist up in a room that is always freezing. The tech shoves you against the machine, places your boob between two panes of glass AND SMASHES THE SHIT OUT OF THEM!!!!! All of a sudden my boob is about a half inch thick and two feet wide. I’m a tad busty. (All of a sudden I’m in the mood for pancakes.) Remember, the room is cold and the hard nipples aren’t helping. Ouch!

Something you have to keep in mind is that I’m only 5’3. I was coming up about an inch short against this machine. If I don’t stand on my tip toes, I’m swingin’ in the wind by my boob.

Then the tech says to me, ‘Try not to move for a minute.’ She’s so lucky that she’s got me by the tit because I really wanted to give her the finger.

‘Try not to move for a minute’……where the fuck am I going to go? YOU’VE GOT MY TIT TRAPPED IN THIS MACHINE!!!!! I could gnaw it off like a rat in a trap but I think I would like to have it back, thank you.

Finally, she let’s it go. I breathe a sigh of relief until I find out that we’ve only done the horizontal version. We still have the vertical version to go.

SHIT!!!!

So, we load it back up between the glass and start smashing. It’s really weird to look down and see that your boob has been squeezed into this half inch wide strip. I had to ask the tech, ‘It will go back to it’s original shape, right?’ She told me not to move again.

I am sooooo giving you the finger in my head.

She releases me and I once again make the mistake of thinking I was D-O-N-E, done.

Nope.

Let’s not forget that boobs come in pairs. I still have another one to go.

DAMN!!!!