My Jacked Up Life

As you all know, Gene and I have three boy’s that we are raising together. Lately, I’ve noticed that Gene keeps repeating the same statement over and over. ‘Honey, they’re boys.’

So what?

Gene seems to think that having a penis is an excuse for bad behavior. This is another one of those on going discussions in our house.

He’s wrong, it doesn’t.

So, I have made a list of  ‘incidents’ to prove my point.

If you have a penis that does not entitle you to…….. 

1)…. write your name on my bathroom wall when you pee. If your male child can’t control the damn thing, then maybe he should sit down and pee like a girl. It’s a rare occassion when we miss the mark. There’s usually alcohol involved if we do.

2) …walk past your mother while she is talking to the sales person and sneek out a silent but deadly fart that smells NOTHING like the dinner I made for you, and walk away to let the sales person to think it was her while you fall into a fit of giggles with your step brother’s.

3)….make everyone stop what they’re doing and be quiet so they can hear you say, ‘I have a feeling something bad’s about to happen’ and then you rip ass like a 40 year old fat man. (There’s no gray area here.)

4)….stand next to me, fart and then cup you hand by your ass to push the smell into my face just to tell me that it didn’t smell like that when you ate it. (I’m starting to notice a theme here)

5)  ….leave your dirty underwear on the kitchen table because you were watching ‘Sponge Bob’, eating your cereal and changing your clothes for school. Adding a fourth thing, like taking your dirty clothes to the laundry room would just be overkill.

6) …….leave your dirty underwear on the living room couch because the kid’s are in the kitchen watching Sponge Bob, while eating their cereal and changing their clothes and you don’t want to miss Sport’s Center. (What’s that saying about the apple not falling far from the tree?)

7)…..chase the one-legged girl around the playground just for shit’s and grin’s. That’s a long story involving my stepson BL. He’s going to get the reputation of an asshole and one day he’s going to need a date to the prom and he’d be lucky if the one-legged girl would go with him. (She does have an artificial leg for the one that’s missing. That’s why she can run.)

8)….bend over, grab your ass cheeks and pretend like ‘Senior Butt’s’ is the one talking to me.

9)……see who can pull the biggest booger out of their nose.

And the best one of all is something that my Dad and his brother used to do to each other. He’s forbidden to tell this story to our boy’s.

10)……wait for your brother to be right in the middle of taking a dump so you can break into the bathroom, grab him by the ankles, yank him off of the toilet to leave skid mark’s across a freshly mopped floor. (My poor grandmother!!!) There is only one place for shit in my house and it ain’t on the floor!!!!!

Can’t wait for those teen year’s!!!!

Tell me…..what gross thing’s have your boy’s done?