My Jacked Up Life

Last night, Gene and I went out to dinner with Danyell and Ben. We went to this Mexican place, El Paisano. Dinner was good. Afterwards we were heading out to a club called The Phoenix, to do some dancing. Or at least Danyell and I were. Gene and Ben were going to hold our purses and drink beer. Hey, works for me.

After we left the resturant, Gene stopped off at a gas station to get gas. He thinks that he doesn’t need to fill up until the gas light comes on. Drives me nuts. Anyway……while we were at the gas station, I tried to use the ladie’s room but the bitch at the Water Way wouldn’t let me in because apparently, I looked armed and dangerous in my four inch heels.

When we pulled out of the gas station I noticed a Taco Bell and asked Gene to pull in there. I should have known that this wasn’t going to end well when I walked in and the place smelled like dirty feet. EEWWWWW!!!! But I figured hell…..I was just stopping in to use the bathroom. Maybe the dirty feet smell would help cover any lingering smells I left behind.

I walk into the stall and noticed that the person before me didn’t bother to flush. Nice. So, I put my hands against the stall walls and use my left foot to try and push the handle that was on the right side of the toilet. I failed to notice that the floors were wet. I slipped but I caught myself before I hit the floor.  As I was trying to compose myself, I noticed the strap of my shoe was caught on the toilet handle and the damn thing kept flushing over and over again.

FUCK!!!!!!

The worst part was that I had not gotten to conduct the buisness I went in there for to begin with. At one point in my struggle I felt something that made me panic. I began to pray, ‘Please God, let that be just a fart!’

WHEW!!! It was. At least one thing was going right for me.

How do I get myself into these things?

 I unhook my shoe, gather myself up and proceed to do what I came in there to do.  Finally! I can wrap this up and get the hell out of here.

But wait…..I can’t.

 Why, you ask?

BECAUSE THERE’S NO FUCKING TOILET PAPER!!!!!!!!!!

SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!

Did I mention that we went to a Mexican resturant? (We’ve had a stomach bug going around the house and picking a Mexican place….not one of my brightest ideas.)

I start to panic. There was no one else in there with me. What in the hell do you do in this situation? Trust me , you figure something out and FAST!!!!

So, this is what I figured out. You know those toilet seat liners that they now have in public restrooms? Let’s just say they served the purpose I needed them for and leave it at that. (And there ain’t nothing ‘cottony soft’ about ‘em.)

Now, I know you’re probably laughing your ass off at the sheer stupidity that always seems befall my life and if I were you, I would be laughing too. In fact, as I was standing at the sink washing my hands I couldn’t stop laughing ( and I mean dying laughing) because I knew that I was going to have to go back out to the truck and tell Danyell what happened. There was no way I could NOT tell her. By the time I got to the truck door I was laughing so hard I couldn’t haul my fat ass up and into the truck.

Did I also mention that this was the first time I’d met Ben? Great first impression.

Only me.