What?

I believe in God. I don’t eat meat on Fridays during Lent, I observe all the Holy Days and I pray my rosary.  I realize that St. Patrick’s Day and St. Valentine’s Day are the feast days of two saints, not just days to get drunk and laid. (Although I don’t have anything against either of those things.)

Jokes about priests and alter boys are offensive to me. If you find humor in little boys being ass raped then you’re a sick bastard, you need to get off my blog and never darken my domain again.  We’re not the only religion with problems. It’s just that Catholics make better press than the Protestants or Lutherans. The Jews have the holocaust and the Mormons have the whole twenty wives with ninety kids thing going on. No thank you.

So, why is it so hard to believe that I practice a religion? I have very deep religious beliefs. Just because I don’t wave them around like a flag or use them to excuse my bad behavior doesn’t make them any less significant than any other feelings I have.

Amen and pass the communion wine, Sista!!!!

And all the other holidays for that matter.

For many years, in some cases centuries, how we celebrate and view holidays hasn’t varied much. Now all of a sudden, there’s a movement going on trying to tell me that I have to change the way I’ve celebrated these days my whole life.

F@#k THAT!!!!

In most schools now, when you volunteer to help at your childs halloween party you can’t bring in things that might be considered ‘too scary’. Nothing with witches, ghosts or skeletons. And in some places, your not even allowed to call it Halloween anymore. It’s the ‘Fall Festival’. WTF? 

 As a kid I would dread and look forward to this day all at the same time. I hated being scared out of my wits, but at the same time I wanted all that free candy and I knew that I would have to make it through this day to get it. Remember savoring sweet victory on November 1st as you sat there stuffing your face with all of your Halloween loot? I had made it through another Halloween.

 I’ll admit that I was a big chicken shit. People jumping out at you with scary masks and making you almost piss your pants. AAHHHH…..good times. To this day, if you walk up behind me and scare me, I will punch you in the face. Literally. Gene found this out the hard way. He doesn’t do that anymore. 

Nowadays, people are offended when you scare the crap out of their kids. It’s not like they’re going to break or something. We all made it through it as kids just fine. Just look at me.

Personally, I think a little childhood trauma helps build character. So, let’s stop coddling these kids and go scare the crap out of them. Why? Because it’s funny, that’s why!!!

Happy Halloween, Bitches!!!!

Do your boobs hang low

Do they swing to and fro

Can you tie them in a knot

Can you tie them in a bow

Happy birthday you old Bat!!!!

Love ya!!!!!

Gweneth Paltrow named her daughter Apple. WTF? Apple? Where did she come up with that? When she’s older boys are going to ask her if they can have a bite. Nice.

Courtney Cox named  her daughter Coco. Do you want your daughter to be a stripper?

Demi Moore and Bruce Willis…..where do I start with this crap? Rumor, Scout and Talluelah. OH, MY GOD!!!!! That right there is proof positive that you should never hand the mom the birth certificate to fill out until the drugs wear off.

Gwen Stefani…I didn’t think that Kingston was all that bad, I would never use it, but Zuma? Are you shitting me? That kid is going to get his ass kicked at recess.

Personally, I like names that are weird but not overused. For a girl, we’ve picked ‘Presley’. I like using last names for a first name. Right now, we’re stuck on a middle name for that.

As for a boy we are totally lost. Nothing really appeals to me. We’ve come up with a few like Adrian, Gabriel, Donovan or Nash. I gotta tell ya….I just not feeling very boyish. Hopefully, that’s not just wishful thinking.

I’m taking this sign to AC’s next hockey game. It seems to fit my sense of humor, don’t you think? Wish I had thought of this!

Right now, all three boys think that I’m going to ‘poop’ the baby out. They have no idea that there’s another oriface there and I’m ok with that.

Night before last, AC asked how the baby got in there. I told him that God put it in there. He didn’t buy it, so he asked if there was something you swallow and then the baby starts to grow from there. I said, ‘No, that definately wouldn’t work.’ Then I had to hide under the covers to laugh at my own joke.

Think about it.

Could you imagine having her for a mother?

Personally, I think that bitch should be nootered.

As I was thumbing through the catalog something caught my eye. There’s a new class called ‘The Fine Art Of Glass Blowing’.

BAH HAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh……did I mention that Gene’s last name is ‘Glass’?

Sorry folks. That’s just how my mind works sometimes.

I know some of you might think it’s stupid to mention a last name on here but you’ll never find him because his first name isn’t legally ‘Gene’ and you’ll never guess the real one.

So, I’ve decided to give her some advice for singe life because she’s been out of it for a few years.  

Here goes…….

         1) Make sure you get his license plate number so I can run him through the police department. Once we find out exactly what he’s been arrested for, you can go from there. Until then, just keep checking the sex offenders list. (And I don’t mean to find a date, it’s to make sure yours isn’t already on there.)

         2) If he keeps getting phone calls that he won’t answer it front of you….well that could be for a couple of reasons……A) He’s married. 

                      B) His ass is broke and someone’s looking for the money he owes them.

                      C) He’s selling dope….wait…..he’d still answer that…..nevermind.

                      D) He’s a ho and that’s one of his booty calls.

       3) If he dosen’t have an ex then you should wonder why. He’s either a jackass, really stupid or bad in bed but more than likely, he’s all three.

       4) Be prepared for having to deal with an ex. There lot’s of fun. (LuLu’s fat ass has called Gene everyday this week and for no good reason.)

        5) If he keeps grabbing his crotch, I doubt that he’s so large that he has to keep making an adjustment. He might have something in there that Gold Bond can’t fix. Take him to the clinic and have him checked. Don’t take his word, ask to see the lab results. You could be thanking me for this later.

That should be enough to get you started for now.

Welcome back and good luck girl!!!!!!