My Jacked Up Life

Yes, you read that right. Gene and I are having a baby next March. That explains why I’ve been so exhausted these last two months. This might be worth it just for the comments the boys have been making.

Right now, all three boys think that I’m going to ‘poop’ the baby out. They have no idea that there’s another oriface there and I’m ok with that.

Night before last, AC asked how the baby got in there. I told him that God put it in there. He didn’t buy it, so he asked if there was something you swallow and then the baby starts to grow from there. I said, ‘No, that definately wouldn’t work.’ Then I had to hide under the covers to laugh at my own joke.

I’d like to meet the guy who looked at the chicken and said, ‘I’m gonna eat the next thing that falls out of that birds ass.‘

Think about it.

The other day I read on MSN that Amy Winehouse ‘can’t wait to have children’. That trainwreck is one of the last people on the face of the earth that should be reproducing.

Could you imagine having her for a mother?

Personally, I think that bitch should be nootered.

The other day, I got one of those continuing education catalogs in the mail from the community college. Every time I get one of those I always look for a drawing class to take.

As I was thumbing through the catalog something caught my eye. There’s a new class called ‘The Fine Art Of Glass Blowing’.

BAH HAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh……did I mention that Gene’s last name is ‘Glass’?

Sorry folks. That’s just how my mind works sometimes.

I know some of you might think it’s stupid to mention a last name on here but you’ll never find him because his first name isn’t legally ‘Gene’ and you’ll never guess the real one.

Yesterday, my cousin Paula’s divorce was made final. She has made the move back into single life and it could be a bumpy ride. Not only does she now have to deal with her ex but now she may, someday, have to deal with someone else’s ex. Let’s face it, men our age very rarely come with no kids or an ex. If they do….there’s a really good reason for it. (He’s crazy as hell, Girl…..RUN!!!!!!)

So, I’ve decided to give her some advice for singe life because she’s been out of it for a few years.  

Here goes…….

         1) Make sure you get his license plate number so I can run him through the police department. Once we find out exactly what he’s been arrested for, you can go from there. Until then, just keep checking the sex offenders list. (And I don’t mean to find a date, it’s to make sure yours isn’t already on there.)

         2) If he keeps getting phone calls that he won’t answer it front of you….well that could be for a couple of reasons……A) He’s married. 

                      B) His ass is broke and someone’s looking for the money he owes them.

                      C) He’s selling dope….wait…..he’d still answer that…..nevermind.

                      D) He’s a ho and that’s one of his booty calls.

       3) If he dosen’t have an ex then you should wonder why. He’s either a jackass, really stupid or bad in bed but more than likely, he’s all three.

       4) Be prepared for having to deal with an ex. There lot’s of fun. (LuLu’s fat ass has called Gene everyday this week and for no good reason.)

        5) If he keeps grabbing his crotch, I doubt that he’s so large that he has to keep making an adjustment. He might have something in there that Gold Bond can’t fix. Take him to the clinic and have him checked. Don’t take his word, ask to see the lab results. You could be thanking me for this later.

That should be enough to get you started for now.

Welcome back and good luck girl!!!!!!